Self Reflection
by JEMstone00
Summary: Carla looks back on her previous proposals in light of her engagement to Nick. (Also contains mentions of Paul Connor, Liam Connor, Tony Gordon, Frank Foster and Peter Barlow)
1. Introduction

Introduction

 _"So. Carla Connor. Will you take this ring as a token of our engagement?"_

Here I was again. Proposal number Eight. Engagement number Five.

But this was different. So different. This was Nick. As I stand there in the middle of The Bistro I feel relieved. I feel free.

Nick is everything I want. All I will ever want. All I will ever need. He is unlike the others.

I am moving on with Nick. I know he is for keeps. This is the only engagement that has ever truly felt right.

I am a pro at spotting the flaws now. I am also educated and aware enough to see that Nick has none. Me and him together have none.

As I move on I am forced to look back. I remember them all. Paul, Tony, Frank, Peter. I am able to see where it all went wrong. How it was all cursed from beginning. How me and Nick are not.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter One

 _Paul Connor. He was my saviour...although I would never admit it. When he proposed I felt secure. So secure. I didn't need to say yes but I wanted to say yes because I loved him and for no other reason. He was my best friend. He was me throughout everything, always fighting my corner, always trying to protect me. He even tried to protect me from himself. From his lies. Even though we were in love our relationship had so many flaws and so many arguments. We wasn't what each other needed but boy, did we want to be. To be engaged and to want to get married is not about having a perfect relationship with absolutely no arguments but it is to have a healthy relationship where you don't spend a good half of it in bitter arguments filled with next to trust and deceit. That being on his side. Not mine.  
_

* * *

"We should get married." Paul blurts out as we were sat on a bench down at the local park. We're munching on sweets like complete children and the only reason we're here is because we had to escape his packed house. This is where we always escaped to. _  
_

"We're seventeen, Paul." I make a point of saying.

"Yeah! Not right now." He laughs. "But I do want you to be my wife one day."

"Paul Connor, are you asking me to marry you?" I try to hide my smile in need of clarification.

"I suppose I am, yeah." He smiles back at me.

"What? No ring?" I joke to him.

He pulls out a strawberry lace and wraps it around my finger, tying it together so it stays securely in place.

"Here's to the future Mrs Connor" he kisses me.

"Mrs Connor. Ha. That's mad. I sound like your mum." I say as I proudly examine my ring.

 _Mrs Connor._

* * *

 _Eight years later._

Paul loved making a fuss. Everything he did had to be big and significant. As he had gotten older he felt the need to show off more but I suppose that came with the territory of going from the council estate to becoming a rather successful business man.

It was his parents 30th Wedding Anniversary and of course Paul wanted to make it all about him. About us.

"Carla Donovan. Will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?" He was stood in the middle of the room on one knee. Everybody was crowded around us. He held out a ring with no box in sight. It was obvious that he knew that he wasn't going to be needing the box. It wasn't going back and I was never taking it off.

"Yes." My answer was so simple and needed no explanation.

My life was owed to Paul. He had done so much for me. He was my safety net. I needed him. We may not have been the same sickly-sweet teenagers and our intentions of being together scared me. But I needed him.

* * *

 _But with Nick, he has all of my trust. I trust him and he trusts me. Our relationship is healthy. We are exactly what each other need and it will remain that way._


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

 _I believed Tony was a safe bet. It turned out that he was far from safe. He sprung his proposal on me. I wasn't expecting it. I felt obliged to say yes. I should of known there and then that this wasn't going to work out. But I tried to fool myself but the bottom line was that I wasn't satisfied with him. I wasn't happy and I loved Liam. To be engaged and to want to get married you have to only have eyes for that person and the truth is, I never did._

* * *

"Marry me." His voice had never sounded so serious. If this was him being sensitive then there was no doubt in mind that I wanted an insensitive boyfriend. Boyfriend. Not fiancé.

I tried to let him down gently. I didn't want this. "That's not sensitive that's drunk." "Yeah. That's a good joke Tony but lets not embarrass everyone." "Alright. I'm asking you to stop it now."

Everybody was staring at me. I could feel their eyes stinging as they were refusing to blink in case they missed anything. Everyone but Liam that was. He didn't look at me once.

Tony then pulled out a black box and opened its content. It was a ring. A diamond ring. Expensive, classy, beautiful; all of the things he thought I was. All the things I wanted to be...but wasn't.

But this wasn't a spare of the moment thing. He was serious. "Will you marry me?" he repeated.

"Look at me. Pretend nobody else is here. We're on our own..." I zoned out. Using the seconds I had left until I was pushed for an answer I thought about it. Married life with Tony Gordon.

He was financially stable He was generous. With him there was never a dull moment. He kept me on my toes, he kept things exciting and was able to push my buttons...but he cared enough to find out I even had buttons. He was attentive yet firm. He had a voice that gave me a burning desire with any word he spoke. And the bottom line was, he loved me. He loved me and I loved him.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'll marry you". I spoke as if this was a thoughtless decision. I looked straight into Tony's eyes and I was happy.

It only took me a matter of seconds before my eyes wondered to my left and there he was. Liam. I was fooling myself. I loved Tony but I was in love with Liam.

* * *

 _But with Nick, its him. I only have eyes for him. I love him and more importantly, I am in love with him. I am in love with him and it will remain that way._


End file.
